Working Overtime

Written May 22, 2014

Since I was fourteen years old the dream was to be an early childhood teacher. Everything I did in school was a calculated decision to move me toward that goal; to get in to university or gain some experience, and to be the best teacher I could be. There was no back up career, no plan B, teaching was my only option. They say a person is lucky to be paid to do something they love so I know I am truly blessed. This being the case, I never thought returning to a job that I love, a career I’ve dedicated my life to, would be this hard.

I thought the first six weeks of Alice’s life were hard. I feel like I’m back in that space now, trying to adjust to a situation I’m not quite ready for. I am frantically trying to keep my head above water, only just struggling through. I am emotional, anxious, and overwhelmed.
The preparation for leaving Alice is harder for the main event. The day before I have a sleepless night, if I’m not going over everything I need to get organised I am trying to work through guilt and inexplicable feelings of being a ‘less than’ mum. And when my working day is over, I am so excited to get to Alice I am often overcome with emotion.
Incidentally, Alice stays with Nana or Oma when I’m at work, she loves it and doesn’t even really know I’m gone.
 
And here’s the kicker, I still love teaching. I am still energized by forty four year olds, I still getting a kick out of being a part of their education. The minute I walk out the door I am excited to get to work and engage. I am still working toward being the best teacher I can be – there is still no back up plan, this is my passion.
 
Right now, my biggest struggle is trying to feel like I am in control. It was so much easier when Alice and I were in our love bubble, the days ticking over gently, the passing of time measured by hours between feeds. Now I am depending on other people to provide that environment for Alice and it’s hard to let someone else take charge. Trying to plan for every contingency possible is an awful habit of mine and is one of the main things that keeps me up at night. And I have discovered an emotion I didn’t realise existed; a mixture of guilt, tension and helplessness, tinged with anger at myself for overreacting so much.
 
I must remind myself that this will pass with no ill-effect on Alice. Those first six weeks when I was just as overwhelmed, just as anxious, that passed and we are fine. Time to adjust to this change and new phase of our relationship is what I need. I need to remind myself why I’m going back to work in the first place, how wonderful it is that Alice has quality time with Nana or Oma, and I need to give it time.