So much has happened in the past week or so. I’ve gone back to work, we’ve had earthquakes and storms, I’m planning weddings, Alice has spent more alone time with nana, we’ve done lots of walking, we’ve had our first ‘big girl’ bath. And it seems as if she has grown in to a new phase of herself. Alice has a new repertoire of sounds, smiles, and ways of making the world know she’s here and worth listening to. Growing also brings Alice the ability to make choices, and have dislikes, and understand that there are things that happen outside of her control.
The earthquakes this week have been scary, no doubt about it. When the first big one hit we were at a friend’s house; the dads were outside talking about goodness knows what while my friend and I were inside, chatting about the upcoming arrival of her first baby. Alice was sleeping soundly in my arms, her ear to my heart and her hands clasped on her chest. When the earthquake hit, we were under the door frame within a second or two, and Alice slept. With the second jolt about five seconds later we were outside in a flash, and Alice slept. When it stopped I rushed across the road to check in on my parents. Alice woke slowly with the movement, made eye contact with me, and then, well, slept some more. I was very frightened but not panicking like usual; I had Alice in my arms so everything was fine.
The following day was when I first noticed an aftershock. Just as I was laying Alice in her cot for an afternoon nap, I heard a strange rumble. My heart skipped and I paused, leaning over the cot but holding Alice close to my chest. I didn’t feel a shake so I lay Alice down, tucked her in, stroked her forehead twice and left the room, like usual. I noticed my racing heart just as Alice screamed at me – an ear-piercing ‘don’t you dare leave me’ scream, a noise she’d never made before.
I realised that Alice would have heard my racing heart and known I was surprised or frightened. Her scream, I feel, was not because she was scared of the earthquake, and not because she didn’t want to sleep. She was telling me that if I’m scared there must be something dangerous near by, and the safest place when there is danger is right with Mama. I’d like to think that this was why she didn’t react to my thumping heart the day before, when the big one hit. She was close to me and trusted that I wouldn’t leave her in harm’s way. Hopefully Alice knows that I will protect her, no matter how scared I am.
There are very few things that parents absolutely have to do for their children. We have to feed them. We have to keep them clean and warm. We have to at least try to make sure their environment is a safe one. Everything else is a bonus. Babies have amazing built in alarm systems to make sure people near by don’t forget these ‘must haves’. And for the first few months, it doesn’t particularly matter how a clean bottom and a full tummy is achieved, so long as it gets done.
However, in the past week or so I’ve noticed that Alice has started to develop a list of ‘wants’. She has an understanding that certain people can do things for her, like feed her or cuddle her or make her laugh, and it is such an honour to be one of the few people she prefers to be around. As she grows every day, developing her understanding of people and the world and how she feels about it all, I know I will be close by to assure her. This is the other thing I absolutely have to do for Alice; help her understand that whatever happens, new or different or scary, she will have a constant, loving, safe person to protect her.
The aftershock I felt had finished but Alice certainly hadn’t. I breathed deep to calm my racing heart, picked her up and kissed her face all over, letting her know that if she calls I’m not far away, and the danger is gone. And she slept.
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