Seeds of Doubt

Written March 11, 2014

I feel like I have been a pretty informed parent. I’m lucky that I have a job that lends itself to have an insight into child development, and I was determined from the beginning to be as in control of pregnancy and parenting as I possibly could be. Knowledge is power, and I was going to be powerful.
Through my work and my research, I know that even textbook babies are like finger prints – at first glance they all look pretty similar but in reality, each one is fundamentally different.
Before I was a parent, I would often remind the mums and dads I was working with of this, that children develop at such different rates all within the range of “normal”. I might say that baby could be focusing of physical skills over language or vice-versa, or that development of certain skills can be influenced by older or younger siblings (which is wonderful, your baby is doing a great job of interacting with her environment!). I would say that so long as they were happy and healthy, the baby was fine and the parents were doing a great job. I know this, I’ve preached this, and it is proven in countless case studies and endless research.

Now I know something else, too.  I know that no matter what anyone says – mother or teacher or doctor or stranger – a seed of doubt is easily planted in a mother’s consciousness and all the “knowledge” in the world won’t stop it growing.

The first seed of doubt I remember was planted around 16 weeks of pregnancy with this question; “felt any movements yet?” I hadn’t. I knew I shouldn’t have. I knew it was silly to worry, but I kept getting asked by lovely people who cared and, even though they often followed up with “that’s ok, you probably won’t feel anything for a while”, the seed of doubt is still planted. I kept trying to weed out the doubt by reminding myself of what I “knew”, but I didn’t realise how tense it had made me until nearly 20 weeks, when I felt that delectable swish deep in my belly.

Here are some other seeds of doubt that weren’t weeded out until Alice (Squidget when I was pregnant) showed me that she was happy, healthy, and doing exactly what she should be;

Is that her head or her bottom? (Bottom!)
 
Will I have a labour experience that I visualised? (Yes!)
 
Is that conjunctivitis? (Blocked tear duct! Nothing will fix it, no matter what you suggest!)
 
She will smile at six weeks (No she won’t, she’ll smile at seven weeks then she won’t stop!)
 
Watch out for her 3 month immunisations, they’re the worst (She was a champ!)
 
For all of these comments, ideas, and concerns I had, I had knowledge that should have calmed my worries but it didn’t. Thankfully, I have a super awesome baby that weeded out the doubt when the time was right, and every parent I’ve met has had their own super awesome baby that has done the same for them. Who can blame us for wanting perfectly healthy babies that meet their textbook milestones?  I think it’s sweet providence that, in the end, it’s our babies that put our minds at ease.
 
My current little doubt seed is about Alice not rolling. She’s not even trying, she just lies there, playing with her perfect little toes and talking to anyone who will listen. I must admit, this is a very scrawny little seedling; I’m happy knowing that Alice is safe in her cot and she will stay where I put her on the floor. But I have created this seedling for myself, going against everything I believe in professionally and comparing my happy, thriving baby girl against the equally happy and thriving babies of friends. Silly me.
 
Soon, Alice will roll, and I will have a blissful few days enjoying my ever-growing daughter before there will be something else to be a little concerned about.
 
A mothers’ burden to worry? I think so. A mother’s privilege to care? Definitely.