2012 was ‘the year of the body’, where I lost 20 kilos, so this time last year I felt amazing and had a new found confidence in myself. 2013 was meant to be ‘the year of the career’ for me. I had settled in to an amazing kindergarten job that seemed the perfect fit for me and, having finished teacher registration, I set my sights on further education. I had been accepted into a post-grad certificate course for early childhood education at my old university and I was looking forward to the challenge.
However, the universe had a different plan for me. 2013 was not ‘the year of the career’; it became ‘the year of growth’. And it all began when I conceived Alice, a year ago today. Now I am a different woman.
First and foremost, I grew a person. For most of 2013 I had two hearts, four lungs, and twenty tiny toes – you see, I have little feet, too. My hair and nails grew long and strong. Occasionally my ankles jumped on the growth bandwagon while my stomach led the parade. This was when I grew to like my body. I loved my ever-changing bump and I marvelled at the way my body knew how to make this little person and keep her healthy. My body was doing everything right – I was in awe of what I was physically accomplishing. I grew to accept, trust, and enjoy.
Second, I grew closer to some of the most important people in my life. Babies don’t fix bad relationships, but they sure make good relationships wonderful. It has been the most challenging, trying year for my partner and I; building a house, my partner losing his job, having a baby… and yet I wouldn’t change anything. And we’ve talked. Neither would he.
I also became so much closer to my sister, who also spent a large chunk of the year growing her little person. Sharing this experience with her has been wonderful and she has been a wealth of knowledge and support.
Lastly, I have grown so much closer to my own mother. I rung her whenever something happened (usually to ask if it was ‘normal’), she became my late-pregnancy swimming buddy, and I probably learnt more about her as a person in the past 12 months than I had in the previous 25 years.
I’ve grown my social circle, too, by joining the great sorority of motherhood. Whether it’s having deeper, more meaningful conversations with people I already knew, or forming friendships with the beautiful women I’ve met who are also embarking on this journey for the first time, my world is all the more richer and fuller for knowing them.
I’ve lost friends, too, because priorities changed and we began walking down different paths. But because I was growing Alice, I was never lonely.
Lastly, the way I think, what I know and what I believe in has grown, shifted and changed so much I think my brain might be a different colour. Having Alice has taught me things about the strength and wisdom of a woman’s body and exactly what it is capable of. In fact, having Alice has taught me about my own strength and wisdom and exactly what I am capable of. I have learnt about meditation, yoga, and the power of perception. I have learnt about whanaungatanga (family connection), tangatawhenua (people of the land – Alice’s land where is where her placenta is buried), and above all, aroha (love). I have developed new beliefs and opinions around child-rearing, midwifery, and what ‘pain’ is. The hospital has become a place of spirituality and being pregnant made be feel like I had a kinship with nature, like we had a knowledge about life that no one else knew. My perception of what the world is has changed fundamentally – it is more beautiful and more dangerous at the same time.
While 2013 has been ‘the year of growth’, next year will hopefully be ‘the year of fine-tuning and consolidation’ where mind-spinning changes happen less and I can embrace what joy Alice brings even more. But let’s be realistic; it will probably be the first year in ‘the age of juggling life and motherhood’!
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