Written December 9, 2013
I have wanted to be a mother my enitre life, a feeling that has only grown stronger since I met my partner three years ago. However, the thought of labour and birth made my stomach churn and my blood run cold with fear. Media and hearing the stories of mothers had convinced me that labour had to be scary and painful, where mothers lost control of their bodies and what happened to them. This is not appealing to a control freak with a low pain threshhold!
I took the pregnancy test at three in the morning, it was a Monday. It doesn't take three minutes for two lines to appear; it was there in seconds and I'll be honest, I was devastated. I was worried my partner would think that I had "done it on purpose" because I talked about babies so much and he had said he wasn't ready. But more so, I was terrified at the thought of having to grow this little person in my body and then, somehow, get that little person out.
I was frozen with fear. Work suffered and I felt like a zombie. I cried myself to sleep almost every night and had nightmares about giant babies and being lost in the dark. I felt I was out of control and doomed for a scary, painful experience.
Around eleven weeks into my pregnancy the fog cleared a little and I was able to think a little more clearly. It was then that I decided to embrace my controlling tendancies and take charge of this prgnancy.
I began guided meditation, something I would never have considered in the past. A friend suggested hypno-birthing which I found invaluable. the name makes it sound like you sleep through the whole thing but it's quite the opposite; hypno-birthing is learning how to truly trust your body and gives you the tools to make sure your birthing crew do the same. It's aimed at a health system that is far less accomodating of pregnant women and their babies, however in New Zealand, the philosophy fits perfectly with maternity care. I learned how to breathe, how to focus, and how to control what thoughts I dwelled on and what thoughts I let go.
Part of controlling what I thought was the perception I had about the sensations that were happening in my ever changing body. I began smiling every time I felt a twinge in my abdomen or faint with low blood pressure. I had braxton hicks start at 22 weeks; these sensations had me giggling. Smiling releases endorphins, the body's natural pain relief. After weeks of practice I could literally feel endorphins flowing from my brain to my baby. It gave my pregnancy a giddy, surreal quality - and the technique got me through a harrowing dental appointment!
Toward the end of my pregnancy, the birth stories of others came in from left, right and centre. Part of me remaining in control was assuring myself that their experience was not my expereince. I visualised what I thought to be my perfect pregnancy; a time where I could breathe through any discomfort and my body was given time and space to do it's job. I even started telling people that my labour wasn't going to hurt, complete with a big, earnest grin. You should have seen there face!
The last leg of my journey began at 12.00 am on October 4, when I felt my first contraction. I lay in bed, hugging my enormous belly, waiting for the next one. it came five minutes later. I had to bite my lip to stop myself laughing out loud; the endorphins were flowing! I giggled my way through the first ten hours, then hummed and sang through the rest - with amazing help from my support crew toward the end!
I was in labour for 26 hours (active 11) and it was a beautiful, life-changing experience. I fell in love with my partner all over again and felt an amazing amount of respect for my mother. Not once was I scared, out of control, or in fear for my life. I got everything I wanted in my labour. I felt incredibly strong. I sang "she'll be coming 'round the mountain" just as Alice came in to the world. It wasn't without pain, but it was full of wonder and calm and trust above all else.
When I talk to pregnant women who tell me they are frightened, I suggest the stretch and relaxation class at the hospital (your local hospital might have something similar) because part of that is guided meditation - learning how to calm and control your thoughts so you can focus on what really matters. I also say that their experiences don't belong to anyone else, that they are more in control of what happens than they might think. If they ask, I tell them what happened to me - how I learnt to labour and birth fearlessly.
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